Hi Davis.
What’s up guys? This is my personal statement. You guys asked me to write about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that was important to me. That doesn’t sound like fun, so instead I’m going to list my favorite foods. French toast, spaghetti, lasagna. Corn on the cob, that's pretty good. Bacon. Oh man don't even get me started on bacon. Eggs too. Hmm. You know what, this isn’t quite as fun as I thought it would be. I guess I’ll go back to the prompt. What was the prompt again? Oh yeah, you asked me to write about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that was important to me. Then I said that sounds boring. Good times, right guys? Well, here we go.
Nope can't think of anything. Goodness, how many words does this have to be? A THOUSAND??? Well I've made some progress, now I can use the rest of my words on the other prompt. What’s that prompt about? Ah who cares it’s probably boring. Let’s talk about YOU Davis! Tell me what you’re capable of! What are YOUR most important experiences? Come on Davis, let me know what makes you sparkle!
Please excuse the sarcasm, it's not that I don't want to get admitted to your college. I don't want to get admitted to any college. I've learned everything there is to learn about everything that matters. I can solve a Rubik's cube one-handed. I know how to add and subtract single-digit numbers. I can consistently insert my Capri-Sun straw into the hole in one single attempt. I've ascended Mt. Olympus, declared myself a god, and conquered all of humankind. Figuratively, of course. I've got everything it takes to be a knowledgeable, well-rounded individual and a functioning member of society. So it pains me to say that, as much as you've intrigued me and tempted me with your programs in agriculture and water studies, which I'm sure are absolutely out of this world, I really don't think there's much left you can teach me.
But all kidding aside, I’d make a good student at your little college. I don’t qualify for much financial aid so you guys will get even more of my money. I've taken up tennis, and maybe if I become decent at it I can join your intramural squad. I think that would really enrich your value as a school and as an international tourist hotspot, as I'm confident my stellar backhand will attract tennis enthusiasts from across the globe. I’ve got good grades too, if that's important. Oh and I floss my teeth daily. Well, nightly. You know what I mean. I know hygiene is probably important to you because your school is on a farm.
It's been a pleasure talking to you guys and I hope you enjoyed reading my personal statement as much as I enjoyed not writing it. Please direct all your questions, responses, praises, and prayers to my personal secretary, Stefán, who has, unfortunately, gone missing.
Seriously, where did he go?
Love,
Michael
P.S. You know you want me.
